The truth that God is an emotional being is blowing my mind right now. Because my personal experience with emotions is anything but healthy. But the truth is, emotional health is possible – and indeed it is the crucial first step – for true spirituality.
I have spent my life controlled by my emotions.
Overwhelmed by them.
They’ve been my filter through which I’ve interpreted the world.
I have a lifetime of being unable to make a decision that I can trust because everything I do is done “by my gut.”
I have no anchor. No foundation. No rock.
I am floating in an endless ocean, tossed about by the waves, alone and afraid.
I have spent 39 years at the mercy of my ever-changing emotions.
When I perceive positive things about how others view me, my self-esteem surges.
When I feel negative things about how others think of me, my self-esteem crashes.
And so goes the unending roller-coaster.
I work endlessly to maintain and manage relationships with people in my life to preserve myself.
All of my focus, all my energy, all of my time and attention, goes to making sure my relationships are “okay” because then I am “okay.”
When they are not “okay,” then neither am I “okay.”
So I do whatever I have to do to get them back to “okay.”
My my self-image – my self-perception, my self-judgment, my self-awareness – has wholly been based on my interactions with other people.
This is a terribly volatile and scary way to live. Not to mention exhausting. It was wreaking havoc in my marriage.
But this year – 2017 – I began to understand a truth that has changed the trajectory of my entire life and worldview.
This identity – who I understand myself to be based on the world around me and my interaction with others – is not actually me.
It is my false self.
But it is the only self I’ve ever known.
Upon the realization that the only self I know is a false self, I also discovered that I don’t know myself – my true self – at all.
So I have begun the journey of the discovery of my true self.
And it starts here…
I am lovable. I am good. It is so good that I exist. I am deeply loved by the Father for who I am.
(For more life-changing truths, read Pete Scazzero’s book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. I can’t recommend it highly enough.)
And so I begin 2018 with the hope of self-discovery.
May this year be one of complete identity transformation and the beautiful journey from false self to true self.
Happy New Year, indeed.
A few books are helping me in this journey.
The Forgotten Way by Ted Dekker
The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut
Emotional Healthy Spirituality by Pete Scazerro