The Terrifying Face of Love

I had a monumental epiphany tonight and it completely scared me.

(Disclaimer: I’m still trying to sort this all out in my mind so I’m not sure this post is going to make a whole lot of sense, but I want to share it anyway.)
So here is my earth-shattering epiphany … are you ready for it?

I love my daughter.

I know what you’re probably thinking, “Um, hello. You’re her mom. You’re just now realizing that? What is wrong with you?
But stick with me.
The epiphany-causing part of this realization is not the fact that I love my daughter, but the depth of my love for her. It’s SO much deeper than any emotion I’ve ever felt before. I’ve never experienced anything even remotely close to how I feel about Cara. It’s taken the concept of love to a whole new level.
And this realization scares me. A lot.
What it comes down to is a lack of trust. Basically, I’m scared to trust God with my daughter. Even though it’s completely backwards and doesn’t make any sense, I’m afraid that because I love Cara so much, He’s going to allow something to happen to her in order to teach me something … maybe surrender or acceptance. Isn’t that a ridiculous and twisted fear? I “know” that God is good and loving and compassionate. I “know” that He works all things together for good. But I also know that this world is a fallen, broken, messed up place with lots of pain and heartache. I know that many people suffer unfathomable losses allowed by God for His greater purpose.
Frankly, I’m afraid that my loving Cara so much will cause God to allow that to be taken from me in order to show me that all I need is Him. (See what I mean about being backwards? Seriously … I’m a mess.)
But even in the midst of this consuming fear, I also see the other side. After the volatile final seven weeks of my pregnancy, how can I ever doubt God – the One that chose to give us a baby girl who is the picture of perfect health?

A little background: At 33 weeks my placenta started showing signs of calcification and the doctors were convinced that I would have to be induced early to save my baby. I was monitored twice a week and at every ultrasound the baby had to score at least 8 out of a possible 10 points for the doctors to feel okay with letting things progress naturally. Every single time our baby scored a 10. But it wasn’t just barely a 10. She would complete all the necessary actions within the first few minutes of being on the monitor. Every time. She literally defied every expectation of our doctors. She came naturally, two days before her due date, and the first five months of her life have continued to demonstrate that despite what the doctors predicted, Cara is the epitome of perfect health.

Is this rambling making any sense? Even as I’m writing, I feel like an out of control ping pong ball, bouncing wildly back and forth between what I know to be true and what I feel (read: fear).
The Truth is that God loves me more than I can even begin to fathom. What I feel for Cara? That’s just a tiny fraction of how God feels about me. He won’t allow anything in my life without a purpose and whatever He allows me to experience, without it I wouldn’t become who He wants me to be.
Bottom line. The deepest desire of my heart is to please God, whatever it takes.
Or whomever it takes.

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10 thoughts on “The Terrifying Face of Love

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  1. I still fall victim to that fear – and I've got five years of motherhood under my belt. Surrendering my kiddos (and David) to God is the #1 hardest thing for me to do. I'm so very glad he's patient!

  2. I could not begin to tell you how much that encapsulates the way I feel about my boys. I love them so much, it scares me.Right now, my team is going through Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" and one of the questions he asks is, "Are you so in love with God that you would give anything…or anyone…up for him?"Just being brutally honest, I don't know. I have never loved the way I love my boys. I pray God never asks me to make that decision. But yes, I'm reminded that that is exactly how much He loves me…and you. He doesn't ever want to lose us either. Good post, Becky. You're such a mom! ha! Being a parent is the GREATEST. THING. EVER.isn't it?

  3. I don't know anything about being a mother, but ever since Dad died I struggle with that same fear all the time. I'm afraid God will take away all the blessings he's given me in order to teach me something. I continually have to fight that fear and remember that God is good no matter what.

  4. Agreed, Sister. And well said. Isn't it weird that we have a hard time fathoming these types of feelings (even though we've heard about them) until we become parents ourselves?A few things stick out to me:1] "Basically, I'm scared to trust God with my daughter." I've had that thought … but as you acknowledged, how backward! Me trust God with my daughter!? Um … ahem. God is perfect. And Aylah is HIS daughter who He has entrusted to imperfect me. Wow. That changes my perspective. I shouldn't be scared to trust her with Him, He shows me His LOVE daily by trusting me with her. Dang. Thank you God.2] One little taste of how I, as a father, love my daughter, and my understanding of God's love for us is turned on its head. The parable of the prodigal son is new in my mind. No matter what happens with Aylah in her life, I'll be that dad searching the horizon for her return and running to meet her on her way back. You ever feel "not good enough" to return to God? No such thing when this is what His love is like!3] Lastly, think of this: Every single person that you bump into today is someone's son or daughter, and their parents love them the way you love your little Cara. This thought alone should change how we treat those around us. And no matter what their earthly family situation is (maybe they don't have loving earthy parents), they have a Father in Heaven who loves them even more than we love our daughters, and He is who we're ultimately accountable to. How do we treat His kids?Great thoughts, Sister.

  5. Hi Becky, stop getting scared , after all Cara is a god's gift to you, and no one can deny that. Your love is priceless for her and will always remain like that. And yes your daughter is very cute.

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